Total read time: 9 Minutes
I can’t stop thinking about wrong jobs.
Lately, with COVID-19 on everyone’s radar, job security is more important than ever.
I’m so sorry for everyone in hardship right now. I pray you have your health. I hope for the best support to find you. I wish they would have the cure for this strain of coronavirus and solution for all of this sooner. Remember to reach out and ask for help. You are not alone.
Contact your creditors for relief with monthly payments.
Fedloan announced they will defer all accruing interest during all of this.
Help finds it’s way out of the most unexpected places.
Don’t give up, Don’t ever give up.
I’m writing this out of the honesty of my heart. I believe everyone has
something they dream of,
something they could do with authenticity,
something that keeps them up at night,
something so terrifying and exciting at the same time,
It’s crippling.
If only The Sun and the Moon
Could with yearning hands
Outstretch their arms
Until then
The Sun will gleam
The Moon, a muse
And I, Your Earth
I enter the breadth of your tides
Knowing the safety of your arms
I inch my way atop arduous mountains
Feeling every step closer
I step into the abysmal night
Where You lead me to solely what is
Trustworthy
Only as much as I can handle
Slightly more than I ever
Before you
Could
-A
Changes Seem So Out of Reach
You think about it sometimes, don’t you? What it would take to get you out of this rut. You fantasize about having the gall to stand up straight, reach out your arm, exposing all of your scars.
What are you so complacent for? Why did you get so used to this? Why does it still sting to think about where you could be instead?
Derek Sivers, in his interview with Jeremy Ryan Slate said after your twenties, change is mostly rare. You spend so much time after high school moving, applying, meeting… changing. Eventually you find a job that pays enough money, you buy a house, and you slow the hell down to a screeching halt.
Maybe you’re like me and actually gave something a shot. I dove into photography for years. I started a business and got paid for my work. I emailed photographers, magazines, editors… I poured out my heart all over the world. Nothing happened. I gave up.
Do you remember how it felt? The vast emptiness. It doesn’t happen overnight… the abandonment.
You realize you’ve given up one day. That feeling is instantaneous. It’s felt in the pit of your stomach. That’s how it feels to let yourself down. I let myself down.
What now?
You Feel Stuck
Maybe you really are like me and after you gave up, you didn’t have anything else. You felt so stuck because you didn’t have anywhere else to go.
The only certain thing is that bills keep coming.
You have to pay them, don’t you?
I kept going to the restaurant, waiting on tables, pouring beers at the bar, eventually brewed the beer… until eventually that wasn’t enough and I just kept the trend going.
How do you know what to do next?
I Am Crippled By Trauma
Fortunately, I know you’re like me. I know you’re traumatized. I know you start feeling great and get stabbed in the gut by your past.
Have you ever had a moment of clarity?
It sounded something like, “YES, THIS IS IT!”
I was driving down a steep hill in St. Charles, Illinois on a sunny day. Not having anywhere to be, I could drive as slow as I wanted. I thought, maybe I should share some poetry with people.
It felt so good to realize.
Until it came time to open the computer. Thinking of all my friends and family judging me. The laughter on the other side; people will think I’m a joke. They saw me give up on photography. They’ll think I’ll just give up on this too. They think I give up on everything.
Trauma has a way of popping up when anything really matters.
The knife in my stomach is always here.
I hope it always will be.
Vulnerability is so taxing. It forces you to relive your memories. You imagine this thing you so care about will end up like things did in the past. Your past will continue to remind you.
Fear is debilitating. Judgment makes you feel like you’ll never belong; like you’ll never be accepted. Failure means disappointing someone. Forget about not paying the bills, failure means everyone who didn’t believe in you was right.
What are you supposed to do when you’re afraid of disappointing and failing the ones you love?
Love Can Be a Gift and a Curse
It can feel so much easier just doing “the right thing.” You know, the thing everyone tells you is safe.
It becomes easier to help (to love) others by doing the things they say instead of doing right by you, instead of loving yourself.
I’m certain that the best in people comes out when they are loved.
When you’re loved, you instinctively have good intentions. You do the right thing right back at that person. You take care of them.
You can do the same thing for yourself. You can love yourself.
The Truth is Right in Front of You
There is a litmus test when you’re doing the right thing.
The excitement is an unalienable light in your eyes every time you speak.
The feeling has clarity; it matches what people told you you’re gifted at.
Earth shaking trauma reappears to warn you, this is something that matters.
Love flows through you; you know you need this.
If You’re Anything Like Me
First of all, hang in there because it gets better. Secondly, think about what happened to me. All of this makes sense.
Giving up was the right thing because photography was not.
I gave up on photography because photography was not writing. Photography was not truly the pursuit for me.
I was stuck because I let the inertia die.
Not only did I come to a halt, but I went backwards to the restaurant industry. I started climbing up a ladder on the wrong wall. The climb only made sense because money had to be made and bills had to be paid.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Having abandoned the first thing that I cared for, I was lost. After reading enough books, I looked to the people around me and listened. They liked my writing. Even in my emails to all the photographers, I received compliments for my composition.
I couldn’t move forward without looking in the mirror.
Trauma punched me in the face every time. I have an avoidant personality, finding it easier to hide at my own expense. Standing up to myself was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I didn’t know how.
I learned to love myself.
This took a whole summer to even start believing. I read and studied Mastin Kipp’s work. That’s where I learned about the different personalities. I really delved into behavioral psychology.
I took the leap of faith.
Even armed with love for myself, previous experience with running a business, and all of the knowledge and motivation from the books I’ve read, it still felt like jumping off a cliff to put this writing out.
Taking the leap of faith doesn’t mean quitting your day job.
Derek Sivers says the happiest people he’s met have two jobs. The first job is your dream job. Even if you don’t get paid for it, you treat it seriously and truly give it your all during your free time. The second pays the bills. It’s consistent, its reliable, and it’s a break when trauma strikes and you feel vulnerable during the first job.
You just have to go for it.
Is it possible that the things you gave up on were necessary to give up on?
Is your ladder on the right wall?
Listen to the people around you, what are you gifted at?
Have you forgiven yourself?
Have you started loving yourself?
What do you have to lose?
The truth is, you have too much authenticity for anything you truly care about to fail.
Eventually, it will take off.
You owe it to yourself to fill your life with Love and Significance.
Thank you
I really do this for you. If I reach you somehow. If something sticks out and you’re touched, please don’t hesitate to contact me on whatever social platform feels comfortable to you. Connection feels amazing. We all grow stronger every time we add to our community.
Thank you for your time, and for your support.
Andrey Starostin
Email
(Yes, I respond and read every one)
Andrey@andreystarostin.com
Instagram
a.o.starostin
Recommended Reading
Help finding yourself when you’re stuck:
Designing Your Life
Mentioned above:
STAROSTIN FILM 
Thanks for the shout here Andrey! I enjoyed my chat with Derek!
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